Wow ... one month here already. It's passed quick ... and slow. A lot of you have already watched Marcel's awesome video documenting some of the unexpected aspects of our life here: eg. garbage everywhere, beautiful scenery, constant barking of dogs (in hindsight, the sound clip does NOT do this item justice), friendly guards ... a mix of AMAZING, weird, and ... well, stinky ... things that characterize our life here. If you haven't watched the movie, here's your chance.
But I really want to use this blog post to talk about the not so glamorous parts of our life here--not that garbage and dogs are "glamorous", per se, but what I want to talk about is just some things I'm struggling with in our transition here. And they are not "glamorous missionary struggles" like drawing my water from a well and lugging it home, or eating strange insects and getting sick ... no, it's just kind of the "real life", semi-boring struggles.
So here it is ...
I'm struggling with being a stay-at-home mom. I'm not gonna lie ... it feels super weird here. In Canada ... it felt normal. I mean, a lot of my friends were doing it, it was expected, and there was a huge move to prepare for. Now that I'm here, I'm dealing with all these feelings I didn't expect to feel.
For example, the feeling of being REALLY stuck at home. In Canada, I could go places like the park, church, friend's houses, pool, etc. Here, we don't have a vehicle yet. There's not really any parks or pools or cool events for that matter (something I'm missing a lot, like when people post pics of Halloween or long adults retreats). I don't have my same friends, and none of my friends here have babies the same age as Ethan. I can't really go for a leisurely walk with Ethan. Our yard isn't exactly kid friendly ... it's mostly cement. And with Ethan being so young, we have to be careful with him around all the neighbourhood kids for health and hygiene reasons. Oh ... and I'm a foreigner. I'm always going to be "different" ... an outsider.
The other feeling I wasn't expecting to deal with is this feeling of helplessness. What I mean is, there are a lot of opportunities and need around me ... I mean, there's neighbourhood kids right in front of our compound who don't get a good, healthy meal every day. There's people on our street who are dealing with poverty. So many people want to learn English and get a better education, but don't have the money.
The "go getter" part of me is just dying to do something!!!! But I'm kind of restricted. I haven't really mastered the language yet. I don't know the culture (in fact, I'd still categorize myself as CLUELESS about the culture). There's security concerns. I have a baby who needs almost constant attention. And there's this HUGE warning sign going off in my head: don't just jump into something before you really think it out. The last thing you want to do is hurt people in an attempt to help them. Before you start anything, make sure you've really listened. Really looked. Really prayed, and studied, and considered.
And that requires patience. And reading books. And being willing to sit still, to move slowly. To do the boring background research. To ask questions. And to wait ... and if you've followed our blog for any amount of time, you know I hate waiting.
But waiting is super important. Experienced missionaries have even encouraged me to wait several months, even a year (!) before starting anything! It sounds like crazy talk. It sounds painful, and slow! But it also sounds very wise. Just ... difficult. And ... not so glamorous.
So, at last, I'm writing this post to share this frustration with you, and to ask you to pray for me. Pray for patience, and a willingness to wait on God's leading with timing. Pray that I will realize the wonderful gift of motherhood, and treasure it even when it's kind of boring. Pray that I will listen and learn, and be okay if God has different things in store for me than I had planned. Pray that I will embrace life here, and love life here.
Okay ... post over. Hope that this didn't come off as a complaining session, but more of a "heart sharing" session--maybe some of you moms or missionaries out there will relate. I am 100% confident that I won't always feel this way, and before I know it, life here will feel normal ... and dare I say it ... busy with so many cool things. Our God is good, and He's already at work here in my life and the city of Lubango. Praise God for His faithfulness, and His power through weak, clueless vessels like us. :)
